pruesaysit

I went for a walk tonight and I got swooped by a fucking bird. I got swooped yesterday when I cut through the park! What the fuck? I must look particularly suspicious to birds! They can probably feel my terror and disdain for their kind, so perhaps I bring it on myself.
I'm feeling much better today. I've been riding and walking and getting sunshine which always makes me feel good. I like the sun, just not when it's burning the fuck outta my pasty, pasty white skin.

On the weekend I hung out with a girlfriend who had just come back from a trip to the US and she got me the most amazing presents!! Like seriously, a grow my own pink flamingo lawn ornament!! Miracle Toast Jesus on a necklace! (See DailyBooth Photos!) Magnetic Halloween Dress up Jesus! Am I not ridiculously, insanely lucky to have such an awesome friend to indulge my lust for the most ridiculous shit ever!? I'm going to document the Flamingo growth. Expect a photographic journey of awesomeness.

I'm going to buy Windows 7, I've decided. I'm gonna pull apart my PC on the weekend and replace the cpu fan, replace my rooted dvd burner...the tray won't slide open anymore, and back up my hard drive so I'm ready for a fresh install God, it's ridiculous how much this excites me.

Okay, is there any flavour of Extra Juicy cordial that isn't absolutely awesome?? Passion Pine is a total winner!

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Dude, I was so sick today. I swear to Jebus, I was in the can the whole day, and when I wasn't, I was thinking about whether I needed to be on the can. I read that lots of people have similar issues after a Cholesysectomy but I thought coz it hadn't happened in the first few days after surgery, it probably wouldn't. But yep, day 6 was a fucking killer. So not cool. I had two big naps and woke up a bit earlier and took some anti nausea stuff and a painkiller and the Prozac. I hope tonights meds have enough time to actually absorb into my system, coz I've felt really fucking miserable the last few days. No, that's not true. I've had strange moments of feeling great, and then bang! I feel like shit, emotionally. I'm really a bit all over the place at the moment. Something that's really affecting me, both physically and emotionally is my weight loss. If you don't dig reading about weight, this is your cue to spin on.
It feels to me that it's kind of impossible to lose nearly 60kg and not have it affect your head. It feels like it's happened really quickly and it's really hard to get used to a body that doesn't feel like my own. I don't know how to reconcile all the emotions that come with it. Like, how do I pretend that I'm not excited to be able to buy clothes that I actually fucking like? As opposed to taking what I can get at the top end of the big bird sizes and trying to fuck around with it. But then, I'm overcome by huge waves of anger and annoyance that my validation feels like it's coming from what size I can fit into. I get mad that I couldn't buy all the same shit 12 months ago. When I dropped under 100kg, (I'm 95kg now), I felt this strange sense of achievement, and it sickened me that I'd feel that way. I've struggled with a lot of guilt over the way I'm feeling about my weight loss. When I embraced Fat Acceptance, I did it because finally I had found a bunch of people who felt like I did...that weight wasn't a moral issue. I'd never been a self loathing fatty. Sure, I had days where I thought 'fuck, it'd be so much easier to do x,y,z if I wasn't so heavy', or where I looked in the mirror and thought 'Ugh'. That I won't deny. But all in all, weight was something I didn't think much about. And now, I think about it all the time. I don't mean to, but it's hard not to.
I don't know what size to reach for anymore when I shop. Yesterday, I almost fucking fell over in Kmart coz the bra I got was a 16DD. To put it into perspective for you, I haven't been a 16DD since I worked at Kmart as a 16 year old. Yeah, it's awesome to buy a bra that I don't have to go to fucking Seaford to buy (Lisas Lacies, for the uninitiated), but all these other things start running through my brain at the same time, like 'There must be something wrong with the way it's cut for it to fit me', 'They've mistagged it', 'Where did my fucking tits go?' Fuck, seriously, I must just sound like a mental. Meh, you already know I am I guess. I just want to be healthy. I guess all this shit in my head will sort itself out.
Okay, all this time I was feeling like a bad fatty coz I was scared that I'd let the weight loss change my ideals........... and then while I was writing this, this guy from like years and years ago, added me to MSN out of the blue. I told him I was having issues with my self esteem linked to my weight loss. We then got into this HUGE, no pun intended, discussion about weight and seriously... any doubt I had that my passion for Fat Acceptance had been lost along with my weight loss was totally flung out the window. I'm so fired up about some of the stuff he said, it was all that regurgitated shit about how I couldn't have possibly have been healthy at that weight, or my current weight, and how I'd die before him. He's right, I'm not healthy at this weight at all. I'm suffering from malnutrition coz I can't eat, my skin is shit, I have no energy and I have a host of associated medical problems. Go figure though, I didn't have these problems when I was fatter. I was healthier THEN, than I am now. Obviously, this isn't the case for everyone, and it has to be assessed on a case by case basis between an individual and their health care provider, just as all merits of health should be. I can't stand the blanket statement of Fat = Unhealthy, nor that Thin= Healthy. Anyway, thank you Craig for making me realise that having lost this weight hasn't changed who I am inside, like I was so scared it had. I was unnecessarily worried that I hung on to the FA thing because it made me feel validated in a society that makes fatties feel like the anti-christ. I can still be an advocate for Fat Acceptance at 95kg, or at fuckin 50kg. I never let my weight define me at my heaviest, why should I let it define me at my slimmest?

I think i'm done with my rant. I feel so much better for it though. Thanks for just letting me get it out coz it was eating me up inside.

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Taking Bumble Bea to the vet tomorrow. Didn't give thought to the fact it's going to be 36 freakin degrees. Ugh. Here's hoping the golden girl doesn't complain too loudly on the drive there. As it is, I'm hot already and it's 3am! Boo. I have the fan on and am sitting around in my bra and undies and don't plan on wearing any more clothes than I absolutely have to this Summer.
Okay, enough time to listen to the rest of November Rain by GnR and have a ciggie before bed. It's my unspoken rule that I won't turn this song off half way through. If I start it, I finish it.

Oh, I'm feeling much better today too. My stomach isn't nearly as sore as it was and I'm in better spirits than I have been in ages. This makes me chuffed.

You're not the only one, you're not the only one.... dum dum dum... okay, song over... time for bed.

Everybody needs somebody.

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Dot point fever

-Any photo taken of you immediately after anesthetic will be fucking horrendous. Photoshop can not fix this.
-In stark contrast to the issues I has having prior to my operation, I've eaten about a thousand fucking laxatives since I came home. Christ it's uncomfortable.
-Yesterday, I saw a sign at the Pet Shop that said Free Bunnies. Yes, free. Just giving them away on the spot. Do they fucking realise how many useless morons are going to take them up on this offer, without any consideration for the commitment they're making or knowing how to care for a rabbit? They're more work than they look. I took it up with the girl at the counter and she wasn't pleased. Hot weather and Bunnies do not mix. I can't stand live animal sales at Pet Shops.
-Huge fucking dose of antibiodics makes my lady parts sad.
-I can't believe how awesome some people have been to me while I've been sick/getting better etc. Even though you have your own stuff going on, some of you have been just unbelievably supportive and it's made a really big impact on me. I know I said it before, but it means a lot.
-So glad to still be tight with my old housies. I miss them heaps!!
-Feels like I have huge stitch, like after you go for a run? LOL Like I can remember the last time I ran for anything, but I have a vague recollection of it.
-Kinda starting to feel a bit sick. Think I need some cantaloupe.

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I'm tired and feeling kinda down.
It's prolly just the come down from having surgery and lots of morphine etc but still feels pretty miserable. My tummy is really sore today. I have a big cut in my belly button and then 3 further up my abdomen. I think they're gonna heal pretty well. I'm just sore as fuck and my stomach is in a bad way from all the meds I've taken recently.

I'm gonna go and have a shower and see if I feel any better.

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I'm such a dork. The only bag I have that I can fit overnight stuff into is my bag from Sacred Heart. Can you tell that a) I don't have cause to go away very often, b) I hold on to crap for far too long and c) I'm not the kind of girl who buys bags. Although, I think I need to change that and buy a bag or two or three. It couldn't hurt.
I went and bought another nightie this arvo at Best and Less. Fuck they have the greatest shit there. Big fan, big fan. I'm lurking around the house in it now. I'm not sure if neon hearts are really my scene, but it's cute and sleeveless, which makes for cool as a cucumber style comfort.
I was chuffed to spend some quality time with Lozzy this morning. Yay for hugs and ciggies and shootin the breeze! It's strange not seeing her every day like I have done for the past few years haha

Alright, well, I think that's all I have to say for tonight. I wanna try and get to bed early coz I have to be at Dandy by 7. The lady from the hospital called to confirm tonight and told me I'm second on the list of procedures and they take two at a time, so I should be first cab off the rank or thereabouts. I'm a little bit scared. Not heaps, but ya know, a little... anyways... I'll tweet from hospital haha so get in on the twitter action if you're not already.

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Waiting at the hospital with my bag of x rays

Originally uploaded by pruesaysit

I spent the majority of today skulking around Dandenong Hospital, in their Pre-Admission clinic. 3 hours, as expected. It was mostly a lot of waiting around because they were short staffed, but we got everything done and out of the way and I'm good to go for Friday.
I must have been super anxious about today because I had the worst nights sleep last night. I woke up about 20 times. Even the cat cracked the shits eventually with my tossing and turning and decided the floor was a better option, where I wouldn't disturb her. This morning when I got up, I felt hideous. Overtired and nervously sick. It was alright once I got there though. Just feeling relieved that it's only a few days away now. Plus, I was informed that todays General Anesthetics are heaps better than they've been in the past and less likely to cause me to hurl my guts out after I wake up, which was something I was worrying about. Me and GA's don't normally mix very well.

Thanks to the awesome people that have taken the time to write or call and wish me luck for Friday. You guys are the greatest and your support has been hugely appreciated, not just this week, but for the last few months while I've been so miserable. You've been great to put up with my moaning and whinging, both here and IRL, so thank you for all being so awesomely considerate and sweet.

<3

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If you check out my new Flickr pics, you'll see the Bathroom my dad renovated. The olds had one of the worst bathrooms you'd ever seen, (go, look at the pics, I'll wait), see what I mean? It is now officially an awesome bathroom, so I thought I'd show it off. The Old Man and the Mothership worked their arses off on the job, but it totally paid off. Doing it themselves made it a looooong, tedious and at times, insane project but they saved a stack of cash that they can now put towards the Kitchen reno, which is going to be a fairly big undertaking that will probably need Contractors.
So here's cheers to the efforts of the Parentals and their job well done!

I've been comfortable on a mattress on the floor, since I got here 2 weeks ago but I have to put my bloody bed together tomorrow night otherwise it's going to be a cunt to get up and down off the ground after my op on Friday. Boo. I actually really like a mattress on the floor. I know it's pretty dodgy, but it provides the perfect sitting space to perch at the PC. Once I no longer need the bed, it's outta here and back to living like a filthy hippy.

4 more sleeps til I go for my operation! Tomorrow morning I have my Pre-Admission clinic for 3 hours. I don't know what they're gonna do that takes 3 hours? How long can it take to explain the op, risks and weigh me for anesthetic? Not that I'm complaining, just have no idea why it takes 3 hours but whaddya gonna do eh? I'm starting to get just a liiiiiiiiiiiiiitle bit nervous, not about tomorrow but Friday.

Okay, gotta hit the sack so I'm awake for this thing in the morning. Must find phone and charge it so I have some sort of alarm!

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pikchers of girs how or showing ther wiggy and pum and boobis

That is officially the greatest search term that has ever brought anyone to my blog, which is no mean feat. Honorable mentions to go to

• 'Ernie+Sigley+Wanker' (self explanatory really, and an affirmation I'm not the only one who thinks this)
• 'Crimpy Pussies' (what the fuck makes a pussy crimpy, exactly?)

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I’ve been in heaps of pain the last few days with my GB. Only 8 more days til it’s out. I’m literally counting down the sleeps, like a kid waiting for Santa. Doctor gave me Oxycontin and more Panadeine Forte. I’m feeling fluffy, but still the pain is pretty bad. I’m thinking if it’s still really bad in the morning, I might go to the Hospital tomorrow coz the Doc said that’s the best plan of attack. It has been a fairly miserable day coz I’ve felt so shithouse. Although, finding a Cunteloupe at the shops did provide me with some lulz.

It's not quite breakfast, it's not quite lunch...but it comes with a slice of Canteloupe at the end!

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Okay, in the last 24 hours alone, I've had 13 people find my site by searching for Ernie Sigley. Well, fuck me swingin, if there's not going to be an arseload of unhappy pensioners when they see my opinion of the Sigs.

Speakin' of Pensioners, my grandmother and her partner came for dinner tonight. We don't see them often as they live in the country, but they were heading home from a weekend away and so popped in for dinner. Normally I miss seeing them when they pop in, so it was cool to be home to finally catch them. I had total dinner envy coz my mum made this amazing smelling meal, but instead I stuck with piece of toast with some fresh mushroom, spinach and avocado. Don't get me wrong, the toast was awesome and it stayed down pretty well, but man, my mums coconut rice smelt so good!

I canceled a date today because he asked me to wait outside rather than him come to the door. I was like, just don't bother. This is not Grey Street. I'm not gonna wait outside on the freakin kerb, buddy.

Meg dropped in about 5 mins after the Motherships Mothership had taken off. We drank, smoked and watched home shows on Foxtel til nearly 3am.

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I’m going to hospital on Friday the 13th!! Less than 2 weeks away! Oh my god, biggest relief ever. Could be sooner, but at this point, it will be 13 days away. I’m not the kind to wish the days away, but I seriously can’t wait. Plus, Friday the 13th to me feels like a good sign… but I’m a strange one like that.

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I bought my Hospital Nightie, (picture of suitably horrible nightie to come) and the freakin greatest pink leopard print top today. Good on you Big W for making my day trashtastic!

I need the doona, it’s too cold. Night.

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I’m home again, home again, jiggidy jig. And it’s lovely! It’s such a relief to be out of that place, in all honesty. It had just become a real downer by the end with the house going up for sale and it throwing everyone into chaos. Inspections and walk throughs and all that kinda bullshit. Being here is like taking a huge big breath in a way. I feel calmer, which is always welcome. I miss the gang though. It’s so strange to email them, or talk on the phone as opposed to a gossip at the kitchen bench. Fun though

Moving, as it always will be, was a total cunt. 7am Friday – 2am Saturday = Big fucking day. Go figure a Volvo can move so much shit??

I’m on the short notice list for my surgery, which means I have to go tomorrow and buy a nightie and some undies and a bag for hospital, just in case I get called in quickly. I’m torn between a nanna nightie and Peter Alexander.

So tired, need to sleep. Gotta be up early.

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Admittedly, on average, when it comes to moving house…I’m really badly organised. I don’t pack til the night before and then it’s complete chaos and shit shoved into bags and boxes that are completely unrelated. Oh hey, what’s this ketchup doing in a bag with 6 odd socks? That kind of thing. But this time I’m fuckin super organised! Seriously, fear my masterfully calculated organisational skills! They will blow your mind. Everything is packed with the exception of (and this is for my benefit, so feel free to skip over)
-Stuff in the laundry cupboard
-Bowls, plates etc into Kitchen box
-Stuff out of the linen cupboard into the bag with manchester
-Back shed, but I think most of that will go out
-Finish under the bathroom sink
-Pack jackets into stripey bag and empty last bedroom drawer
All of which, will be done by tomorrow afternoon. And when I’m done, I’m going to have a long luxurious bath to chillax Actually I should go to bed, if I don’t, it won’t get done early enough.

By the way, this is me when I realised how much shit there was to get rid of in the garage!!!

arghhhhhh

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I'm In!

I went to see the Surgeon today. Apparently I qualify as a ‘Category 2 with a bullet’ which made me feel like a hit on Rick Dees and his weekly Top 40. He went over the procedure with me, explained they ‘don’t screw it up very often, but when they do…yah, big mess’ which obviously put me at ease. *winces* I’ve also been assured that the pain afterward will be fairly horrendous. As a guideline, he said that recovery will be at least 4 weeks. He advises patients don’t go back to work for that long, anyway. I’m kinda surprised how long the recovery is. I mean, I knew it wasn’t going to be rainbows out my arse straight after the surgery, but it doesn’t sound all that pleasant. No driving for ten days. No lifting for 4 months. Oh here’s the kicker… The Surgeon says to me… “I’m not even 50% sure that this will put an end to the vomiting problem.” He feels that getting rid of my Gallbladder and it’s current 30 odd stones who are squatting illegally will certainly relieve the pain I’m in, but he thinks the nausea and hurling is a whole other kettle of fish. Joy of joys! LOL I’m excited about being pain free, but shit man… can’t they just scoop it all out when they’re inside me and I’ll just get a new batch off the black market? That’d be freakin sweet.

I bought a denim skirt today during an arvo at the shops with the Mothership. The ‘trying on clothes’ expedition brought up some strange feelings. I don’t really know how to articulate them without sounding like a complete nutter. I think I need to hit up the Fatosphere for some advice.

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Defuzzed. Eyebrows debushed. Toes whored up with Chanel Red polish. Smell like vanilla. Hair straightened. Panadiene Forte, Prozac & Nexium swallowed. Bed to follow. Have my appointment with the surgeon tomorrow, so I’ll then have a better idea of when I’ll be GB free. I think I might cry if he tells me it’s not really soon. Okay, bed now.

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Used to, a while ago now though. Past tense. *heart siezes* He did. But now…He used past tense. No absolution anymore, but maybe resolution. At least I know where I stand now. Makes it easier to move on.

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October 7th, 23:16

If you don’t want to read some bitching and moaning, this is your cue to go and look at Cute Overload or something.
I’m so fucking sick of being sick. I try not to complain too much about it coz I know a lot of pricks have it a lot harder than I do, but for the love of fuck, I’ve lost a third of my body weight. I’m in constant pain. It’s been hard. I’m tired all the bloody time. I’m sick of spending all my time in the toilet hurling. I’m sick of having to take spew bags every fucking where I go! It’s been like this for months and I’m just so over it. I’m tired of being told how I look ‘good’ when I feel like absolute shit inside. I’ve got bad skin, I look like I’ve been punched in the eyes but I look ‘better’ coz I’ve lost some weight. How does that work? And then I feel guilty for resenting peoples well intended compliments. I know they mean well, but something stings when they say it.
I’m even afraid to really say all this because a large majority of people associate weight loss with something positive. For me, it’s been incredibly negative. I didn’t set out to lose weight, it just came as a consequence of being so sick. So dealing with all the bullshit that comes with it is kind of unexpected. I’m also struggling with having a different body. I feel like it’s not even mine. I look in the mirror and it’s so different to what I’ve seen staring back at me for so long that it’s completely foreign. My boobs now resemble Tori Spellings monstrosity of a chest. They’re all lop sided and fucked. I’ve gone from being really confidant about my body to really self conscious.
Nothing I own fits me which makes me feel miserable coz I’m constantly pulling and tugging at clothes that are falling off me. Do you know how many times my pants have fallen down in public recently?? Should be hilarious, I know but yah…not so much. I just really fucking hate it. As a result of feeling so badly physically, I really feel like I’m hitting the limit as to what I can take emotionally. I miss the fuck out of Columbo. I have to move all my shit out of the house within 2 weeks, the thought of which is really overwhelming coz I just don’t have the energy. We’ve had non stop drama with the Landlord, all of which seems to fall on me to deal with it. I’ll be so relieved when we move out not to have to deal with it all. I feel like I’m about 30 seconds from crying all the bloody time. In fact, to be honest, writing all this shit down has made me feel really close to tears. It just feels like there’s too much going on. I just needed to get some of this stuff out coz I can’t keep it all bottled up inside anymore. And now, I’m going to go to bed to have a big fuckin cry and hopefully I’ll wake up feeling better in the morning, emotionally at least.

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October 6th, 1:16

I wondered what the hell I’d gotten myself in for when I first picked up Columbo. She was a reject from a Breeder and she cried all the way home in the car. I thought it was just because she was in heat, but I soon found out she just happened to talk…all the time. So really, we couldn’t have been a better pair in that way. We bonded straight away. From that night on, it was Collie and I. Actually, for a few brief moments, it was Shelby and I, but I had a change of heart 24 hours in to owning her, coz she didn’t seem like a Shelby, and so Columbo it was, as an homage to Peter Falk’s fuck eyed Detective.

She wasn’t the kind of cat that everyone liked. She had a bitch streak a mile long. It was something I loved about her. She was ballsy. She liked handbags, shoes and butter on bread. She loved to play rough, but she lived to spoon at the end of the night. I miss our sleeping arrangement. We had it down pat. I miss so many things about her. So much so, that I hadn’t been able to write this entry sooner. I figured, maybe she’d come home ? But it’s not going to happen. It’s been 2 months since she’s been missing. My heart is broken. I am just so fucking sad. Yeah yeah, I know…I’m just confirming my position as a crazy cat lady here. But right now, I’m a really fuckin sad cat lady who has just lost the leader of her dark army of cats. Who will do my bidding now??? Bea doesn’t have the mean streak to lead a dark army.
Owning Collie was one of the most awesome things I ever got to do. A cat has never rocked so hard. I hope wherever she is, she’s still kickin it hardcore and giving other cats a hard time. Love you Pussy Gatto.

Pussy Gatto

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