pruesaysit

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Well, I spoke earlier about how ridiculously tired I was. I went upstairs to do something and ended up crawling into bed with the cats and sleeping from about 6pm til midnight. Now my clock is all outta whack. I think I’m tired enough to go back to sleep eventually though, which is a welcome relief. But I’ll stay up for a bit and write and draw and maybe read. We’ll see.

As happy and fulfilled at the moment, I feel a strange emptiness. I can’t pinpoint it.I had a chat to my mum abut how I was feeling abut the potential Cancer thing. It was good to talk to her openly about it. I feel relieved but will have to wait for Wednesday’s pathology to come back. They’re pretty quick once they take a sample though, so that’s good. In the meantime I’ve kinda put my Gallbladder stuff off for another week. I can wait, I just want to be around for my mums appointments etc.

I just, have this…sadness in me that I can’t shake at the moment. Not all the time, but when I’m alone and in bed. I can’t describe it.

Am going to be out another two hundred plus bucks after the housemate who dicked us over scandal. Irresponsible people give me the shits.

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Everyone in my house is sick. We were all at the Park the other day and it started raining, and we all got drenched, so those of us who weren’t already dying of the dreaded Osaka flu, are now. I’m not dying or anything, but I’ve to invest in a chap stick and have started to cough up a lung. I’m also wicked tired.

I am in the middle of this great book I’m gonna talk about later tonight. It’s called The Last Lecture. Wiki it. It’s just… man it brings up all kinds of emotions in me. I could have read it in about an hour, but I’m savouring it like Lindt chocolate, because I like to do that with books I really like.

I think I’m going to go to bed earlyish tonight and finish it up.

I also have Pocky. Mmm joy.

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Went to Kew this morning with a mate. Then came home and have spent most of the afternoon doing kids activities with Tims son, because Tim is sick. I’m about to take him outside to the park or something.
I’ll write more later.

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Words can sting like a mofo.

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So I’ve neglected stuff a bit lately. The blog being one of them. I’m normally a pretty pragmatic person. I don’t generally see the point in getting worked up about something you can’t change. But it’s the whole not knowing of whether my mum will be okay that is making things difficult for me. Wednesday is the soonest the can biopsy her. After that, it shoule be pretty quick to get some results. I’m keeping my fingers crossed. Hey, worst case scenario, it’s Cancer, you do what you do. She’s the toughest bitch I know, she’ll be okay regardless the outcome of the biopsy.

Some friends and I went out for dinner in Springvale tonight. Man, it was so good. So yummy. Then we came home and talked shit for 3 hours. It was just what I needed.

Anyways, I’m going to bed soonish I think. I have some family guy eps to watch then I’m outta here. Nite

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>optical communicationshaving a low night.

It’s times like this I wish I had someone to hug.

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Like a fetish stars pussy, I can feel my heart stretching open around his presence again. And I guess just like a porn star looking at a 14 inch rubber dong, I’m feeling a bit hesitant about the whole thing. On one hand, I had 2 dates over the weekend. One not so great. I’ve had to since tell him that it’s just not there for me. He didn’t take that very well. The other, more informal, was a lot of fun and made me laugh heaps. I’d forgotten the fun of meeting new people and dating.  We hung out at home, ate late night maccas, talked shit and made out. Not so much a date, but I don’t want ‘those’ kind of dates at this point in time. In all honesty, after putting so much emotional energy into the james situation, I couldn’t give myself to someone completely right now I don’t think. He’d have to be pretty awesome. to be honest, I just wanna get my fuck on. I’ve been on hiatus for a long time, learning about myself, what I wanted, what I needed, waiting for the right dude etc… And I’m smart enough now to know that I don’t think I’d be ready for a relationship right this very minute. So I don’t wanna fuck anyone around, well not in an emotional sense. I’m drained at the moment. One the other hand, well… I don’t think there really is another hand. That hand has folded, which is a shame coz I know damn well that too would have involved gettin my freak on, awesome sex but I digress..But the new hand is being his friend. And it’s a difficult set of cards to navigate. How much do I want to know? how much do I want to tell?  All that kinda shit. Look at the end of the day, I can’t give him what I used to be prepared to give him, even though it upsets me and I know it’s hurt him. Don’t get me wrong, our recent convos have been so much more fun than they used to be, so much more relaxed…I guess coz I know that it’s never going to happen between us, so I’m not concentrating my energy on him in that way, so he can feel I’ve backed off, which gives him a sense of relief.  But it’s strange, since I’ve withdrawn, he’s given more of himself it would seem. He seems different. I can’t put my finger on it. Maybe it’s just that he’s happier now that he knows I know where I stand and that I’m not chasing him any longer. I know he felt a lot of pressure regarding that situation.

Anyway, Mum has an appointment on thursday (yeah, that’s right 4 days later than she knows she should have gone….I’m looking at you Mumma!) to discuss her results from the mammogram and organise a biopsy. She’s acting all relaxed, which is nice, coz I’m stressed as fuck about it. Mum has always had the attitude that there’s no point worrying about shit you can’t fix, but I guess, as an anxious person by nature, my natural response is to worry. I’m having a bit of a hard time coping with it, which is what fueled the motivation to take up the offer of one of the two dates i had on the weekend. It was a bad move when I was feeling so emotionally fragile and it just went really badly. It’s been a long time since I used shitty emotions as a motivation to hook up with someone. It didn’t feel good at all. Especially since my last experience sexually, was with James, and it was the polar opposite to how that felt. Regardless of what happened after with James, it felt, at the time, lustful, loving, respectful, sensual, wild, dirty, right, comfortable, nerve wracking.

Anyway, it’s all much of a muchness. I just needed to purge.

I am going to go have a shower and go work on my business plan for my website

did I mention that Meghan looks fuckin smokin? Seriously, never seen a bitch as hot as her.

Also, for the record, the bitches on the real housewives of atlanta have MASSIVE tits!!!!

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I was on the phone til late last night so I didn’t get up til this arvo. Loz, Meg and I sat around and gossipped on my bed for an hour or so. Then the three of us sat at the desk, gossiping some more and geeking it up. We made Canadian pancakes for dinner. Look, admittedly, I was skeptical about the adding of bacon and eggs to pancakes and maple syrup, but be fucked if it wasn’t delicious.

I had a second dinner, which was really only lunch for me, at about 2am when Dave came round with Maccas. Fuckin sweet. The chips were so bad though. Seriously, our local maccas makes the worst fries.

It’s now 7.30am and I figure I may as well just stay awake. I have some stuff to take care of this morning, so I figure I’ll just do it now and have a nanna nap during the arvo at some point. Love that nanna nap.

I’m having trouble sleeping lately.

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Had the greatest fucking cake for Meg’s birthday! Mmm. We’re such a pack of old cunts. Everyones been asleep since 11 or so except me. We peaked too early I think and everyone was feeling wrecked anyways. I messaged my mum to see if it was too late to call but didn’t hear back so will call tomorrow.

Don’t ask about the date. Just…don’t.

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My mouth is all hurty from tonsilitis. It has felt like my tongue has been burnt for the last few days. Ouch.

Everyones support over the last few days with regards to my mum has been amazing. You guys are all awesome and I really appreciate the kind words. They confirmed a lump via ultrasound and mammogram so now they’re looking at biopsying it, so I guess we just play it by ear.

In an unexpected turn, I have a date tonight.

House is listening to some Michael Jackson, circa before he lost his shit. Gotta give it to him, all insanity, the cunt was a musical genius. It’s sad to think that anyone born in the last 20 years, wouldn’t remember MJ when he was cool and the biggest icon there was, but rather, only a strange, masked guy with an obviously fleeting grip on reality.

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My throat is sore coz I think I’m getting tonsilitis. That, or I just smoked too much over the weekend. Who knows I’m using this great sore throat spray from the US called Chloraseptic… shit, it works a treat. Fuck that stuff from the chemist with the directable nozzle, this stuff is awesome. I reckon I could numb myself enough to perform surgery on my own throat.

Score. Sideburns forgot his bottle of lemonade when he left last night. I’m a sucker for free carbonated beverages.

If i don’t write for a few days, or I go the other way and write TOO much over the next few days, sorry. I’m really worried about a few situations I have going on at the moment, the most prevelant of which is my mum finding a lump in her breast, that docs want mammogrammed/ultrasounded now, like yesterday. The urgency of the testing and my mums demeanour when they came for lunch yesterday worried me. When I woke up this morning, I just laid in bed and cried for a while. In fact I think I’m still crying in the pic o the day. I’m a big believer in documenting not only the good stuff that happens, but the shitty stuff too. And right now, if you thought I seemed worried about my own test results last week, well I’m about a hundred times more anxious about this. My mum is my best friend. The idea of her sick or hurting makes my chest ache and I’m getting all lumpy in the throat and wet eyes just thinking about it. I know, I know… lumps are generally nothing to worry, it’s probably a cyst or fibreous tissue, but it’s my mum. my bestie. She’s had cancer before. I’m scared shitless. And now my mum will probably read this and be all ” Oh Pruey, it’s nothing to worry about etc etc” when really, I know she’s shitting herself too, because she barely said 2 words when she was here yesterday. Plus she wrote about in her blog. I think if she thought it was nothing, she’d not have mentioned it. She’s not the kind of person to get worried about things before they happen, because she has the “what can you do about it?” attitude, like I normally do.

On top of all of this, about 20 minutes after I found out, James messaged me after that practically begging for my phone number. I had this moment, where I thought. he knows me well enough to know that somethings wrong… that’s why he’s calling. No, that wasn’t it. He told me he was in a taxi and didn’t say where to, so like a fuckwit I assumed here for some reason. Why the fuck would he come here??!?!?! I don’t know, but for some reason I just thought he was coming here, so when he told me he wasn’t, I fuckin let him have it. God, the shit I said. I was just so angry. At me for being stupid enough to think he’d come here. At life. At him for not being there when I needed him, not that he should be. He has no reason to. I was just so….fucked. I was just so upset about my mum mostly. The idea of her being sick… god…. nothing puts more fear into me.

Anyway, for those of you who have asked that’s what the extra part of my post was on friday night where I talked about how embarrassed I was. That’s what embarrassed me more than playing a flute naked on the main road as cars drove past. The fact that I made a fuckwit out of myself on the phone to him. That I lost my temper. That I let him disappoint me, even though he’s told me not to expect anything from him. That I wanted a guy wh doesn’t want me. Now that’s fucking embarrassing. Btw, I really don’t need any advice on this subject please. I have all the advice I can handle right now. Any more would just make me feel like a fuckwit, point out the things I already know, YES I get it, get over it, he doesn’t love me. I just couldn’t handle hearing it again today, with everything else that’s going on.

The mammogram machine at the South Eastern isn’t working so we have to go to Franga on Thursday. Please, please please send lots of good wishes my mums way.

Originally published at www.pruesaysit.com. Please leave any comments there.

Originally published at www.pruesaysit.com. Please leave any comments there.

Before I wanted to choke a bitch, I was having a great night.

The housies and I got on the drink etc and were daring eachother to do ridiculous shit. So twice, I ran out on to the main road, naked…the first time I just went for a long run over 4 lanes of traffic, the second I stood on the roadside and played a flute while holding a sign that said ‘Keep On Truckin’. The second time provoked more beeps as there was a jig involved. I only came inside because some guy put his blinker on to do a uturn to come back and see it again, and I got all worried he was going to proposition me. I’m fairly certain Loz peed her pants at one point with laughter. My jig was very jiggly. I think it was the flute that made it though.

Anyways, I’m too embarrassed to even to go into what happened after that. Yeah, go figure I can tell you that, but I’m just far too embarrassed to tell you the next part of the night that made me really angry. But suffice to say, the bitch I waned to choke was myself, because I set myself up for failure. What a douche. Isn’t funny the shit you can convince yourself of sometimes? The stuff you can fool yourself into thinking?

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Ugh i just want to fucking scream. I’m so angry at myself. Every. Fucking. Time. ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

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Meghan found this quote by Marilyn Monroe today and I really liked it…

“I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can’t handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me at my best.”
— Marilyn Monroe

It’s something I’ve been thinking about since I read it. I haven’t formulated just exactly what I want to say about it, but I think it speaks for itself.

Am listening to some Motown and am about to get my big doona and snuggle on the couch watching Foxtel.

Totally think I’ve solved the horniness problem. That didn’t take long haha We’ll see what happens.

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Okay this is going to sound ridiculous, but I feel the need to tell you all just how awesome Bea is, so consider it up a Bea update.
I can’t believe she’s adjusted so well to the house. The first few days she was really timid and quiet, but now we hear more out of her than bloody Columbo, and she talks your ear off! She follows me around and enjoys time on my lap when I’m trying to take a whizz in the toilet. She sleeps across my neck at night, eats about ten times more than Collie and is starting to become a bit of a chunker, but she needed it, coz when she came to me she was so skinny. Columbo puts up with her most of the time, and to be honest, I think she enjoys the company now that Muffy is gone. She has a new partner in crime. They’re never far away from eachother, although Columbo would rather I didn’t notice that. She’s got a reputation as a bitch to uphold. After a bit of hissing, Columbo is more than happy to let Bea sleep under the doona with us. She pretends she doesn’t love it, but I see them leaning against eachother so I think they’re pretty tight. Collie just doesn’t like to share me.

Might have a website job lined up. I need to sit down and work out how much work it’s gonna be. We’ll see.

James and I have started talking again. He messaged me when he read that I was sick. We emailed back and forth the night before my Cancer biopsies came back. I was so scared and he was  such a good support. It’s not like it used to be… or rather, it is… but it’s hard not to fall back in to old habits. As much as I want to talk like we used to, I just don’t want to get hurt again. You know what I’m like, I just say exactly what I’m thinking most of the time and I’m particularly candid, so sometimes I have to delete half of what i’ve written in case I’ve said too much.

Also, I love my household. I really love the people I live with, we all have so much fun together. I like nothing better than when everyones home over a weekend and we all sit down at eat together and drink and smoke and laugh.

Man, the ducted heating downstairs sucks. Upstairs it’s like an oven, but down here it kinda sucks. I need to get the remote for the split system set up. Email sent to Landlord. Done.

God, I’m so horny lately, I don’t know what’s gotten into me. I need to get laid

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Sitting and listening to Rilo Kiley and talking to people online, while wearing my stripey flannel PJ’s and a warm fleecey jumper. I look ridiculous but I’m warm. Talking theology. Bullshit. Life. That sorta stuff.

Feeling very relaxed for the first time in ages. It was a good night for fleece.

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The good news is, it’s not The Cancer. This fact is awesome. I still have to go for another Ultrasound but that’s for my gallbladder. I hope like fuck they remove it, because the other night I was so sick, I was in agony. I totally declare that a Gallbladder attack is almost identical to a Panic attack, only with vomiting. In pain and hurling was how I spent my Friday night. So not cool. I’m gonna start to follow some gallbladder specific diet before I have it taken out so see if it can become more bearable.

I’m just really relieved it’s all manageable and although it blows, it’s better than something more serious. They’re gonna work on making the symptoms more tolerable and I’m taking a bunch of medication… I feel like a fucking Pensioner. I need a dosette pill dispenser thingo. This one thing I’m taking makes my mouth taste like metal! What the hell is that about?

Lots of love to a few people who have been really awesome to me this week with their support. You know who you are. I was really worried and you guys made it heaps easier to get through the week.

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Full house over the weekend. It’s been great so far. Everyone is liquring up for a good night. Celebrating some stuff that people have going on which is fun I’m just letting lose before I get my biopsy results from the Gastroscopy back. They took some of my innards for pathology. Results not back til Tuesday. Dude, I totally got to take home a piece of my own stomach in a little vile! What the fuck?! How awesome is that! It was meant to turn pink if I had an infection. Lucky for me, it stayed the same. But I can’t bring myself to throw it out. LOL I’m such a fucking weirdo! I’m the kind of person who would keep any parts I had removed, pickled in a jar on the mantlepiece. Anyways, I’m feeling a bit anxious coz I’m nervous about them taking pathology. I’m sure it’s not likely, but my family is one of those that are riddled The Cancer. Specically, stomach and bowel, which I think is why he took pathology. Ah wells, what can ya do. I’m sure it’s not a biggie.

Anyways, Saturday nights alright for fightin, so I’m outta here.

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It might seem odd to say that the day I spent at the Funeral was really enjoyable, but it’s true. My family are strange, we do a good funeral. There’s a lot of us (extended family), there’s generally a lot of booze at our wakes (Irish Catholics) and a lot of standing huddled around smoking cigarettes outside of the Church (Odd we haven’t had more Lung Cancer deaths). We snigger when the organist is out of key (She was…and badly). We sigh at having to kneel (The Priest was new and took ages coz he wasn’t sure what he was doing). And afterwards, we eat a veritable fuck tonne of food (aunt so and so’s famous recipe for whatever) and talk a lot of shit (Did you see so and so? God, time has not been kind to them. Who’s that bloke over there? Is he one of our mob?).

I met and have since forgotten the names of plenty of family members I’m sure I won’t see until someone else dies. But everyone was so lovely. I thought I’d feel awkward, given my limited exposure to my relatives, but I felt really at home. How strange is it when you can look at someone you’ve never met, but know instantly that you’re related coz you share a similar feature? Or just because you sense a kinship with that person? That is some wierd shit right there. It kind of sparked a desire in me to want to get to know my extended family better, which works out well coz I’m starting by having lunch with my Aunt and her two kids on Sunday. I haven’t seen her since her kids were little, now they’re 12 and 14, so it’ll be like meeting them for the first time really. I’m really looking forward to getting to know them. Obviously if they’re related to me, they’re bound to be superstars.

Best part of the day was getting to spend a day with the Mothership just hanging out. Mawsy is awesome.